With man it is impossible, but not with God!

As you all know, I've been on a long journey of infertility that's been exhausting more emotionally and spiritually than anything. 

These past few months, God has led me on a journey of discovering the idols in my life - the things that I've been holding as more dear to me than Him. He led me to the realization that I was holding "getting or being pregnant" as an idol in my life. All my thoughts were on pregnancy and it seemed that everyone around me was getting pregnant, but not me. Anytime even the slightest thing was odd physically or emotionally, my immediate thought was "maybe I'm pregnant!" The Lord showed me that these thoughts are not pleasing to him. There's nothing wrong with desiring to be pregnant, but because I was consumed with it, it was wrong. It was an idol for me. It was sin. 

The Lord started slowly stripping me of this. He showed me that I am a precious child, created in exactly the way he wants me to be. The verses I'd always claimed as "Lucy's Verses" suddenly started ringing though my head day and night - Psalm 139:13-16:

For you created my inmost being; 
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful, 
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

It's comforting to know that He didn't make a mistake when He made me. He's not surprised that I've had these struggles all my life. He's got every single one of my days - pregnant or not - written already. So, I started asking myself if I would still praise and worship Him if I NEVER GOT PREGNANT AGAIN. This was a very difficult question for me to face. I knew that I had the desire to grow our family, but what if that meant that it wouldn't be through natural pregnancy? Would it mean adoption? Would I really, seriously be okay with it? I was facing this issue for the first time - for real. I was grieving. I was handling it, facing it, for the first time ever. 

The Lord led me to read the story of Leah & Rachel & Jacob. Jacob married both of them, but neither of them were happy. Leah had all the kids in the world, but she didn't have Jacob's love. Rachel was barren but had Jacob's undivided attention and love. Neither of them were happy. Neither of them were satisfied, even when Rachel finally had a son and when Leah finally got some attention. Both of them turned away from God and sought their happiness in the things of this world and both of them were miserable. Wow. 

When the Lord got me to this point, he then showed me that this was a conversation that I needed to have with Brad. We needed to grieve together and work through it together, reaching a point of complete trust together. 

Reading through my journal through that time, it is amazing to see Him working on me each day. Phrases like: "maybe my motives for asking to be pregnant have been off…" and "That realization a few nights ago feels like I shot wide open a huge hole in the lies satan has been telling me" and "the answer is CHOOSING to turn it all over to you, God." 

May 13 was day 31 of my cycle. I'd written most of you telling you that the doctors had told me that I probably didn't ovulate and that my progesterone levels were way too low that month. So, I was waiting for my period to start, which it hadn't, but that wasn't uncommon for me. I'd decided that I was going to take a test that next morning to make sure I wasn't pregnant so that I could start the next and last round, we'd decided, of infertility treatments on this side of the ocean. 

My journal entry that night is especially powerful: 

"I've got to let go of my desire to be pregnant again. I've got to re-align my focus and set it on you, Oh Lord. Please help me. Last month I felt like I'd lost hope of ever having another baby - but that's not the answer, simply losing hope. Because those who hope in YOU renew their strength. The answer is choosing to turn it all over to you. Changing to focus on my hope - not placing my hope in childbearing - but in YOU. I could have 10 kids, but if my hope isn't in YOU, i'll be lost. I need to seek you and be open to how you are using me thru this process. What do you want to teach me thru this? What do you want me to share with others thru this? I may or may not ever be preggo again, and I have to be okay with that. WITH MAN IT IS IMPOSSIBLE, BUT NOT WITH GOD. FOR ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WITH GOD. (MARK 10:27) And what am I talking about here? Not "having kids," not "getting pregnant." I'm talking about "changing my focus," "being satisfied in the 'yes' or 'no' that I get from You," "seeking YOU alone and above all other things," "fully relying on You." 

The next morning, I got up before Brad, got Lucy settled in with her movie and her milk - our coping for getting ready for school time each morning. Then I sat down to take the urine pregnancy test. I'd done this SO many times before. I'd seen SO many negative tests that it was like a literal bolt of lightning hit me when the positive line started showing before I even put it down on the counter. I was all ready to jump in the shower, but all I could do was watch in amazement as the line got darker and darker. OH MY GOSH! Is this for real? Oh, Lord Jesus! What in the world? I jumped up and ran back to the bedroom. I burst in and said only "Brad" in my excited, crying voice. He leapt out of bed and exclaimed "You're Pregnant!!" It was the most amazing moment! One I'd been waiting  for for years! Lucy ran back to our room and asked "Mommy, why are you crying?" We did our best to explain it, but she's only 3. :) 

We took Lucy to the nursery then headed to the local clinic to do a blood test to confirm. While Brad and I waited patiently, not knowing what to expect and trying not to get our hopes up, all 3 of the lab technicians came out to tell us that yes, it was positive! I was pregnant! 

You cannot imagine our emotions at that moment! 

The Lord truly wanted every single ounce of glory for this baby. Every baby is a miracle, but this baby - well, there's no medical reason for this baby to be here! It's 100% God! He used my low progesterone levels, he used my tiny ovulation, he used our "not keeping a schedule" and He made a baby! 

We are now right at 8 weeks. We had an ultrasound today and it was wonderful! We saw the little peanut and heard the very strong heartbeat. It was amazing! 

I continue to pray that God will use me during this time for His glory. I continue to ask Him that no matter what happens in my life, may I NEVER give anything the power to make me or to break me. Only Jesus deserves that right. He is the only one able to handle that responsibility. 

Thank you for loving me and for encouraging me along the way! Please continue to pray for me and for the sweet baby in my tummy. We will be in the US when the baby is due, January 16. We are very excited to be on this journey again and blessed BEYOND measure! 

All Glory to the Father! 

And this baby's verse??? WITH MAN IT IS IMPOSSIBLE, BUT NOT WITH GOD. FOR ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WITH GOD. (MARK 10:27)

Love to you ALL!

Alison, Brad, Lucy, & baby #2