Removing an Idol

(I wrote this for my other blog, but in the spirit of being totally transparent, and in hopes of getting more prayer partners, I'm going to share it on this one, too.)

You ever want something so badly for such a long period of time that after a while of waiting without it, it just seems hopeless? 

....do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. (1 Thessalonians 4:13b)

I struggle with infertility. It's not my husband's issue, it's mine. My hormones aren't all aligned like they're supposed to be. 

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (Psalm 139:13-14)

And at this moment in my life, at this phase, it seems like ALL the world is pregnant all around me. But not me. And it's all I've thought about. Every time something seems "off" in my body, my mind immediately goes to "maybe I'm pregnant?" 

No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. (Matthew 6:24)

And the thing I've wanted more than anything for the past few years is slowly becoming the thing that  I'm not going to let consume me any more. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I've been studying about idols and how seemingly harmless things - even good things - when taken too seriously or too intensely can become idols in our lives. Anything that sets itself up in your mind or life in place of God is an idol. (That's my loose definition) 

“I am the LORD; that is my name! I will not yield my glory to another or my praise to idols." (Isaiah 42:8)

So, in the past few weeks, I've felt like I've lost hope. I've felt that because my thoughts aren't consumed with "maybe I'm pregnant" that maybe God was changing my desires. 

Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)

I'm not sure that my desires have changed, but I know that He's changing my focus, removing the idol of "being pregnant" from my life. I've come to realize that it might not happen again for us. I might never carry another child in my womb. And I think... I think, that I might be okay with it. I'm not 100% sure and I know there will be days and moments where I'm completely broken. But right this moment, I'm choosing to trust in the Lord and rejoice in the blessings He's given me. 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

That's all I can do. God didn't make a mistake when He made me.